“It’s the thought that counts.”
Have you heard that phrase before? It usually refers to a gift that kind of… flops. It’s become another way of saying, “I don’t really like it, but thanks anyway.”
Now that the year-end holidays are approaching, do you have that pit in your stomach when you think about what to buy your loved ones? This year, since we’re not able to spend quality time together, gift-giving will likely be the biggest way we’re able to show our love and care for each other. #nopressure, right?
If you’re like me, shopping for the “perfect” gift is really stressful. I have high hopes for my gifts. I want each one to be a slam dunk, to make the recipient say, “Oh, wow! I love it! I feel so loved and special!”
Most often, though, by about December 23rd, if I haven’t found the “perfect” gift yet, I’ve given up that dream. I am just settling for something that, at the least, doesn’t make me feel embarrassed. (If you’re in my family, please don’t ask if I’ve ever “settled” on a gift for you! Haha!)
So, in order to help make this process easier, I decided to dig into the psychology and science behind what makes a great gift. Here’s what I found:
Great gifts carry powerful meaning, feelings, and enhance relationship.
Every gift, no matter how small, carries some type of “meaning” with it. An average gift doesn’t have a very powerful message, but a GREAT gift carries a message about being seen, known, and cherished. A great gift invokes positive, warm feelings for the recipient.
If you want your gift to be meaningful, imagine it saying, “I was listening to you when you talked about ABC.” “I was thinking of you, just you.” “I see you, I understand you.”
These gifts DON’T say, “Look what I did for you! I want you to feel good about me!” Or, “I just got this for you so I could cross you off my list.”
Great gifts aren’t about money or value.
Good gifts have very little to do with how much they cost or are worth. In fact, higher-value gifts can actually make the recipient feel BAD – What if they didn’t spend so much on you? What if they don’t LOVE it? Do you expect something from them in return? Are you just trying to show off?
This doesn’t mean that high value gifts are bad, it just means that the priority should primarily be focused on the recipient’s feelings and desires rather than the cost of the gift.
Great gifts make life easier for the recipient. They don’t add stress or pressure.
If you want your gift to say, “I see you, I care about you, you matter”, think carefully about the time and stress factor that your gift will create for your recipient. You add value to their life, not take away from their precious resources.
For example: A 12-month subscription to DateBox might sound great, but think about the recipient’s schedule: Do they already make time for going out on dates? Are they generally busy or tired? If time is an issue, those DateBoxes might pile up in the closet, adding guilt with each passing month. Each time your recipient sees those boxes, they will remember you… with a guilty feeling. “What if they ask me about how I like the gift? What will I say?” Those are not quite the feelings you want to invoke!
The same idea goes for lessons, a membership to a far-away museum, or the giant art project (if the recipient isn’t REALLY into whatever the project is).
An exception to this: If your recipient specifically asks for this type of gift or project. Particularly if it’s something they have wanted for a while but haven’t been able to get. If you’re solving the right problem for your recipient (meaning, access to this item is the problem, rather than time or priorities being the problem) this takes your gift back into the category of, “I see you and have been listening to you.”
Help! I still don’t know what gift to get!
Right about now, if you’re like me, you might be feeling the added pressure of how to do gift-giving “right”. There’s so much to consider! Based on the above principles, here are some of my thoughts on how you can start your brainstorming to choose a great gift.
First, make some time.
Try not to do this when you only have 5 minutes or when you’re feeling rushed. Good ideas take space and time.
Next, start making a list of the things you know about your recipient:
Likes
Needs
Love Language
Things they’ve asked for
Accomplishments
Then, mentally put yourself in their shoes for a day.
As much as you can, consider their daily routine/habits from start to finish. What challenges do they have? How can you say, “I see you an cherish you” with your gift?
Here’s another example: If I’m giving my husband a gift, I can actually walk through his daily routine. I’ll look at his closet, his coffee bar, his commute, his exercise space, his at-home (or office) workspace. Based on what I see, I’ll use this to jog my memory: What has he mentioned needing? Is anything broken? Does anything need “beautifying”? What interests of his are underrepresented? What accomplishments aren’t showing up? What would make his life easier?
With less close family members or friends, this part of the process obviously has to be in your own mind, as it would be a little creepy to poke around their closet. If you’re still feeling stuck though, you can use your thoughts to ask specific questions: “If you could have anything for your workspace/exercise/hobby/etc to make it better, what would it be?”
Use your ideas and your observations to start brainstorming.
Remember that great gifts convey a message or create a feeling, and are not about money or value.
A great gift doesn’t even have to have monetary value: A letter, a short handwritten note, or a creative artsy way of communicating your message can be very meaningful.
Before I sign off, here’s an example of one of the best gifts I’ve been given:
It was several years ago, from my sister. At the time, money was tight, and I once had mentioned to her offhand that we only had a $5 per week “allowance” to spend on anything not absolutely necessary for survival (that even included clothes). For my birthday, she gave me a card with several $5 bills tucked inside. She wrote, “I’m doubling your allowance for the next few weeks.” This cash gift meant a lot to me, not because of the value, but because it meant she had listened to my offhand comment and understood how I was feeling about finances being tight.
What was one of your favorite gifts? Why did it mean so much? What feelings did it invoke?