How We Work
After one nasty fight, Jim* and Pam* finally decided to try counseling to see if it could help resolve their conflict.
During the first session, they were nervous. Pam sat on the edge of her seat and fiddled with her hands. Jim stayed hunched over and stared intently at the floor.
After some brief small talk, I asked them what they would like to get from counseling.
Pam glanced over at Jim, then said that she’d like to stop fighting and be able to communicate better. Suddenly, tears welled up in her eyes, and she looked around for a tissue. She took a few breaths and continued, sadly, that she was worried their relationship wouldn’t make it if they couldn’t figure out how to improve things.
“This relationship is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I don’t want to give up. But I can’t keep living like this.”
Jim raised his eyes from the floor and watched Pam as she dabbed her eyes. When I asked him what he’d like to get out of counseling, he was quiet for a minute. His words were careful and hesitant, saying he would like to stop walking on eggshells around Pam.
Jim wanted to be able to support her through her feelings, and he also hated that he couldn’t be open and honest with her without upsetting her. He agreed with Pam that he didn’t want to give up, but he was losing hope that they could repair the damage their words caused.
We spent more of the session clarifying their goals for counseling and highlighting their dreams for themselves and their relationship. Pam decided that she’d like to finally move past her anxieties about abandonment (which had started during her parent’s divorce). Jim said he’d like to feel more confident about himself and his ability to be a good partner.
Over the several subsequent sessions, things began to change.
I helped Pam and Jim process their conflict patterns from an individual AND a relational standpoint. They learned to recognize the triggers for their conflicts and how they could respond to each other in those moments that would slow (or stop) the conflict from growing. Jim realized that Pam’s anxieties were not entirely his fault, and Pam realized that Jim’s attempts at calming her down were not because she was “too emotional.”
When they started to heal from their past and take charge of their patterns, they began to feel more connected and relaxed with each other. Gradually, they opened up more about their internal experiences, and the little miscommunications that sent them spinning no longer had any power over them.
Each said they’d never felt closer and were no longer worried that their relationship wouldn’t make it.
*Names and stories are composite narratives and do not reflect actual clients.
Relationships are our jam.
We draw on two main approaches to therapy to help couples and individuals: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Neuroaffective Relational Model (NARM).
We know those names are a mouthful, and we won’t bore you with all the details about how they work (unless you’re interested… in which case, check out these websites: ICEEFT, NARM). But here’s a brief overview of how they work:
Emotionally Focused Therapy
EFT is an approach to therapy initially formulated to address adult relationships. It is based on decades of research on human bonding and what makes relationships thrive.
What drew us to this model is that it does more than teach skills – it helps people understand themselves better and heal the relational hurt that may continue to impact them today. We also love that EFT focuses on how a therapist can help clients move toward healing – because knowing HOW to get from point A to point B is just as important as knowing where point B is!
Sharon is certified in EFT and supervises EFT trainees.
Neuroaffective Relational Model
NARM is an approach to therapy that focuses on complex trauma – in other words, the type of trauma that occurs in early childhood. Gabor Maté, the Canadian physician renowned for his work on trauma, says that trauma is the invisible force that shapes our lives – and I fully agree.
Our team uses NARM because of its emphasis on how we need more than insight or skills to heal from trauma: We also need to heal on a nervous system level. And this is best done in the safety of a secure therapeutic relationship with a skilled therapist. If you’ve ever found yourself wanting to change your life but can’t get past a familiar (but frustrating) pattern, then you’re probably dealing with this sort of trauma. NARM can help!
Sharon is currently training in the NARM model and receiving individual and group coaching to continue growing her skills.